i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Damn victory sex feels great
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
