she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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