I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My vagina is very pro this idea
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