Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
