I wish my penis had an off switch
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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