He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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