Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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