2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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