my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
