two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There r osticjed everywhere
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
