And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
