I think im going to throw up on grandma
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
