I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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