I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
