Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
