"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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