Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
