I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
