So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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