The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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