Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
