Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
