I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
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I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
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Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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