My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
