DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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