once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
