so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
