Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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