the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
