i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
