Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
