I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
