walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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