i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
