Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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