a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
