I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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