WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
