Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
