Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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