i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
