Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
