Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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