allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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