I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
