I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
