omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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