its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
