He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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