I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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