Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well I just put wine in my tea
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
