the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
