Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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