just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
