love makes seman taste better
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
