I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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